What is Love

What is Love
The passion, burning and desire for another is something we all wish to experience. We have all connected with another human being on a lever that it impossible to describe. The emotion experienced is magical. We yearn to not only be with that person but to be a part of that person. We call this ecstatic feeling love. I like shake sphere ask, what is love? Suddenly we have shift in consciousness, and everything we do is influenced by this other human being. Our lives begin to center around this individual like the planets orbiting around the sun; it’s their life force like our life force. But rather than the sun it’s the love emanating out of our beloved one. I want to know what this thing called love is. Everyone is searching for love; we see it in every magazine, movie and song. Love has created some of the most beautiful art and literature. Love has also fueled people to do acts of violence and evil due to jealousy, anger and a broken heart. Why do we feel such intense emotion, longing, suffering and exuberant enjoyment when we fall in love? I belief the answer to such a futile question would be in the brain.
The reason why I’m attracted to the subject of love is because it has been such a big part of my life, especially since I’m of that age of seeking out a significant other. I was engaged last year in which this relationship turned to insanity. Also, I just recently broke up with my new girlfriend. I want to know what is real love, not co-dependency, neediness, or some other ridiculous character weakness that forces us to commit to someone just because that’s what people do. I want to know if love even exists. So, I being in a new relationship really sparked some questions about love and why I even need a significant other. This new relationship was turning into a repeat of my last relationship with my ex-fiancé. I not only wanted to fix the habitual negative patterns in my relationships, but also to increase my knowledge of love on a scientific level, especially since I’m a psychology major. I know if I unravel love and relationships I’ll be able to help significantly in my field of study. So I pose the question, what is love? This research topic of love actually intimidates me because of the complexity of the subject and my lack of understanding on a psychological level. Through this paper I wish to gain my own theory that is logical and easy to teach. The whole process of this theme has actually been very natural in the sense of personal interest. Once again I’m psychology major with emphasis in neuropsychology, which perfectly goes along with this subject. I was experiencing difficulties in my relationship with my significant other. I’m constantly reading about love in spiritual contexts, such as; eastern philosophy and books by spiritual gurus. This paper is an outlet to express my gained knowledge, to learn of myself and gain more understanding about love so ultimately I can help myself and others.
When I see an attractive woman walk by, millions of nerve cells spark in my brain and I have to turn to her for a second look. She looks back at me and sends a soft smile that last a second or two. As she notices me following her with my eyes, her smile triggers an adrenaline release that makes my heart race with excitement. Chemicals release increased blood flow to sensitive areas, as the thought of her lights the emotional fire centers of my mind. For a brief moment she literally lives in my skin. We connect and my mind works overtime obsessing on her smell and the color of her soft skin. She beats in my heart. She pulses in my nervous system sending signals to the nerve pathways of my brain to the soles of my feet. I start to become disoriented when we are apart. As we progress in our relationship her touch becomes essential. I now crave her, and her body feels reassuring when I’m close to it. I begin to need it next to me. When I sleep next her I sleep peacefully knowing she is near, and when I awake I don’t want to get out of bed when she is cuddling me. When she is gone I look for her in my brain. When she speaks the vibrations seem to make the air sweeter. Her mind reads mine as she knows when I want to be touched. How does that happen? She must have cells that are similar to mine. The neurons of my eyes light up whenever she walks into the room. Songs, smells, pictures and places never let me forget her as they trigger the memory centers in my brain. My reasoning and judgment areas of the brain are constantly firing neurons making sure I don’t hurt her feelings. I begin to pay attention to her body language and her facial expression to be able to fulfill her needs more effectively. (Brain)
According to neurology the brain is responsible for the mystical/magical love experience. Many people believe that love is something external and more of a holistic experience. Some think love is an action, belief, God, or an emotion. Most neuroscientist would disagree with the external cultural beliefs that love is spiritual and holistic. They would agree that love is biologically hard wired in the brain. Through chemicals and five different brain systems the euphoria feeling of love is created. Scholars believe that we fall in love in order to survive as a species. The love chemicals play a primary part in being human and evolving into the dominate species at the top of the food chain. Without the biological love hard wiring we probably wouldn’t be the species we are today. Love allows us to commit to a single person and family for the basic survival for the whole. Some scholars disagree that love has anything to do with coming together as a unit, such as marriage. Coontz, a historian agrees with me that the reason we began to marry as a species is because it was the best way to pool the labor of men and women to enable families to assure that children survive. However, he goes on to say that marriage is constantly shifting due the changes in culture ethics and expectations “The earliest purpose of marriage was to make strategic alliances with other people, to turn strangers into relatives and alliances,” says Coontz. IT wasn’t until the 18th century that anyone thought love might have anything to do with marriage. Even through the 19th century, the belief prevailed that females and males had different natures and that they couldn’t understand each other very well. Only in the 20th century did the idea take hold that men and woman could be companions, that they should be passionate, and that both should get sexual and personal fulfillment from marriage. (Psychology) all though the reason to become a unit may change due to time frame and culture one thing remains the same, we want to love. It’s what we are hard wired to do. Love isn’t a made up concept or something people do to just fulfill social expectations. It’s who we are, it’s what we do, and it’s how we survive. This is great news to me, because I thought maybe I’m one of those people who are just meant to be a soloist in the dance of life. For the survival of the human species let us love lavishly and eat, drink and be married! Only if it were that easy, right?
What makes us feel these feelings of such exuberant joy and ecstasy when we are in love? As I sit writing my paper at the local book store I notice a very attractive girl sitting across from me. A few glances here and there. We made eye contact and what happened? A feeling of excitement and joy was experienced. But what is this feeling? This feeling is the firing of dopamine. Elevated levels of dopamine produce extremely focused attention, as well as unwavering motivation and goal directed behavior. No wonder I felt so motivated to go talk to this girl and I did. The magical thing about this whole coincidence of seeing this attractive girl and writing this paper about the brain in love is that I notice when I went and sat back down in my chair that she was reading a book about the brain as well. So, I picked up my book to examine some material and made sure she saw the book I was reading and she did. Could this be the beginning of what they call love? When we fall in love the chemicals in the brain seem to increase, such as dopamine. Dopamine involvement may explain why love drunken men and woman get so dependent on their beloved one. Dependency and cravings are directly connected to addiction, and all major addictions are associated with elevated levels of dopamine. It can be a blissful experience when both people in the relationship are experiencing the same level of love. However, it can be a very painful experience if one leaves the relationship.
What is happening in our brain is chemical symphony of neurotransmitters firing, creating a beautiful chaos of love. The chemical known as the love chemical is called oxytocin. Oxytocin is a hormone produce by the hypothalamus and released by simulation of the sex and reproductive organs. Oxytocin produces a pleasurable feeling that promotes bonding. This chemical intensifies during an orgasm, breastfeeding, cuddling and after birth (Human) Woman produce more oxytocin than men, however; when a man is in love this chemical goes into a frenzy. Studies have shown that after sex oxytocin increases by 500% in men. This will explain why sex is so important for male and female bonding. We should only participate in sex when we are in a committed relationship. The reason being is that we just might fall in love with someone who we can’t stand, and who is exactly what we don’t want as a significant other. This is due to increase of the love chemical during intimate settings. Some scientists believe that oxytocin is love. That love is nothing but a chemical reaction in the brain. Deepak Chopra a spiritual teacher and quantum physicist argues that oxytocin is the measurement of love, not love its self. (Happiness)
Earlier I talked about how there is five different brain systems that play a major role when in love and that contribute to human behavior. The 5 systems are the prefrontal cortex, anterior cingulated gyrus, deep limbic system, basal ganglia, and temporal lobes. Each of these systems is responsible for healthy behavior and not so effective behavior.
The brain is divided into four main lobes or regions: Frontal (forethought and judgment), temporal (memory and mood stability), partial (sensory processing and direction sense), and occipital lobes (visual processing). When these regions are working properly relationships are absolutely amazing and joyful. When over activity or under activity are present it will cause confusion, frustration, impulsivity, anger and depression. Many relationships fail because untreated neurological problems go undetected and rage rapidly causing a beautiful thing into a literal nightmare. (Love) Daniel Amen, a leading neuropsychologist suggests that when finding the right person it’s not so much about having similar likes and dislikes or beliefs and disbeliefs, though important. It’s more about brain compatibility. If you are dating someone with less activity in the basal ganglia they may not be sensitive enough for you. You could fall in love with someone who has right temporal lobe damage and his communication may not be as effective as you would like it to be causing uncertainty and difficulty in the relationship. With the aid of scholarly literature I want to describe what the 5 major brain systems perform when you are in love.
PFC or pre-frontal cortex is one’s reasoning and judgment center. When working effectively people are able to organize properly and engage in goal directed behaviors and attitudes. They are able to supervise their words and actions. They speak with an end in mind thinking before they speak as they organize information. They know how to learn from mistakes. Also, they can focus and attend to conversations and follow through on deeds. They can sit still and tend to freely express their feelings in relationships. When the PFC is underactive, people become impulsive in what they say and do causing problems is relationships. They say things without any forethought. They look for immediate gratification; “I want it now” attitude. People with low PFC activity have a hard time listening and get distracted easily. Many people who have this problem suffer from ADHD. People become restless and fidgety. Also, they are sensitive to noise and touch. They have a tendency to be late and seem to want or attract conflict into the relationship. They often like seeking high risk stimulation from adventurous activities that upset their partners. An effective way to stimulate the PFC is to increase dopamine. Natural supplements such as L-Tyrosine or SAM-e have been proven effective.
The anterior cingulated gyrus helps you feel relaxed, settled and flexible. The ACG acts as the brain’s gear shifter allowing us to be flexible, adaptable and to ultimately change when change is most needed. When this part of the brain is functioning properly people can make positive adjustments in their cognitive processing. If they get in an argument with their significant other they can choose to change their negative behavior and quickly resolve the issue at hand. When ACG is overly active, usually due to lower serotonin levels, people are unable to shift their attention and are rigid. They are over focused, anxious and oppositional, holding on to grudges from the past. Clinical problems associated with excessive ACG activity vary from obsessive compulsive disorder, eating disorders and addictive disorders. People with underactive ACG lack motivation are too apathetic and seem to be quite lethargic. Supplements that will help with ACG problems are 5-HTP, St. Johns Wart or Inositol, If appropriate an anti depressant, such as; Paxil, Zoloft, Prozac ext… have been effective for some.
The DLS or deep limbic system is where passion, fire and burning are experienced. This is in the center of the brain about the size of a nut. This system sets a person’s emotional tone. When the Limbic System is less active there is generally a more positive feeling that a person experiences. When it’s over active negativity sets in and takes over their attitude. Within the DLS structure is the hippocampus and amygdale in which both have reported to store strong emotion and memories. The DLS is an amazing phenomenon. It controls a person eating and sleeping cycles but not only that. The DLS directly processes the sense of smells. This explains why smells can have such an impact on our feelings and moods. The over active deep limbic system is a definite problem that many American suffer with. An over active DLS is associated with depression, negativity, low libido and energy. Often people with over activity in this part of the brain experience eating and sleeping disorders since the DLS control the bodies sleep and eating cycles. When people have a healthy DLS they are able to be playful, sexy and sensual in their relationships. They give their lover the benefit of the doubt. When the DLS is over active in people they tend to shy away from sexual activity due to lack of interest. Unhealthy DLS pushes people away by the negativity the person experiences when this area isn’t working properly. Natural supplements to help aid the deep limbic system are L-tyrosine and SAM-e.
The basal ganglia are located in the center of the brain surrounding the deep limbic system. The BG is involved in connecting thought, feelings and emotions with movement. This is why when you suddenly get scared you either freeze or jump. People who have an over active BG suffer from anxiety. Anxiety then produces stress and stress produces cortisol. This is damaging to one’s body, lowering your immune system and increasing chances of disease. People who suffer from over active BG avoid conflict and anything that produces anxiety. In addition, the basal ganglia are involved with feelings of pleasure. Cocaine works in the same part of the brain. A high activity in the BG is due to a deficiency in the neurotransmitter called GABA. You can purchase GABA at most local natural supplement shops.
When I ran across this information a few months ago I went and bought natural supplements, such as; Gaba, l-tyrosine, Gingko-biloba and St. Johns Wart. The reason being is because I feel like I just might suffer from a lower activity in the (PFC) prefrontal cortex and the (BG) basal ganglia. I am quite impulsive. I once was addict, which shrinks the PFC. Also, I suffer from an over active basal ganglia. I tend to have quite a bit of anxiety. These supplements help increase cognitive functioning, and they are natural with low side-effects. Ginkgo Biloba increases blood flow to the brain, thus enhancing lower activity regions, while boosting memory. St. John Wort acts like an anti-depressant by increasing serotonin level in the brain. L-tyrosine is a non-essential amino acid and pre-cursor to the neurotransmitter dopamine. Gaba in a neurotransmitter that increase relaxation and tension. It directly affects over activity in the basal ganglia. I have notice a big change in my over all happiness more than anything since I’ve been taking these natural supplements, however; a new relationship still managed to fail during intake of these supplements. This helped me hypothesize that there is more than just healthy brain functioning in healthy effective relationships.
Why does a woman have to be beautiful rather than intelligent, because men can see better than they can think.” Helen Fisher, Author of Why WE Love found in her FMRI studies that men’s visual processing centers in their brains are much more active than in woman. Men automatically associate good looks with romantic passion. This may explain why men seem to fall in love faster than woman. Through the evolution of natural mate selection and the human condition men want a female who is healthy, strong, and feminine. Beauty and good looks are signs of strong estrogen and genes that will benefit the male’s children and prosperity of his seed. Unlike men who can see the woman’s assets for baring children primarily on looks and attraction; woman cannot see a man’s character/mate value just by looking. She must discover the man’s capability to protect and provide for her and her children, which in essence takes time.
If love is such a magical experience then why do the majority marriages and relationships fail in this day and age? Yes, it could be lack of brain compatibility but there must be more. Some psychologists believe that people’s perspectives of relationships are shifting from we to me. The whole phrase “I don’t deserve this; I deserve better.” This may be true, but many people are making a disappointment into a tragedy. Scholars suggest that the reason that failing relationships are rising is because we live in a consumer reality. If we don’t like what we have then we can get something that is more suitable. This is the 21st century where everything is at the tips of our hands. So, why not go and pick a new man out if the one you have isn’t working right? That is how many people think life is like. (Scientific) David Ruiz, Author of the Mastery of Love says that we must know what we want before we can dive into a romantic relationship. Also, that we need to love the person for who they are and not try to change them. He uses a relationship that you have with your dog as a metaphor to how your relationship with your significant other should be. You don’t try to change your dog to be a cat; you like your dog for what it is, a dog. You accept your dog exactly the way it is. He also conveys that your happiness should never come from somebody else; it should always come from within. (Mastery) These are helpful tips to a successful relationship.
In conclusion I ask again, what is love? I don’t have a text book answer to such a question, but I choose to see love as human phenomenon. It seems holistic in nature but factual in science. Though, I can’t put an exact description on love, whether it’s an emotion, God, a law, chemicals, action or magic it’s the highest, most spectacular feeling a human can experience. Science may never be able to fully describe or prove love, but one thing still remains and that is love is real and it exists.
“Whether humanity will consciously follow the law of love, I do not know. But that need not disturb me. The law will work just as the law of gravitation works, whether we accept it or not. The person who discovered the law of love was a far greater scientist than any of our modern scientists. Only our explorations have not gone far enough and so it is not possible for everyone to see all its workings.” Mohandas K. Gandhi.


Amen, Daniel. (The Brain in Love.) New York: Three Rivers Press, 2007.
Carter, Rita. (The Human Brain Book.) New York: DK, 2008.
Chopra, Deepak. (The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire.) New York: Three Rivers Press, 2003.
DeChristina, Mariette. "His and Hers ". The Scientific American Mind April 2010: 1--72.
Fisher, Helen. (Why We Love.) New York: Henery Holt and Company, 2004.
Marano, Hara. "The Expectation Trap". Psychology Today April 2010: 63 -77.
Peggy, Mischelle. "lovequotes.com". April 7, 2010 .
Ruiz, Don. (The Mastery of Love.) Sanfransico: Council oak Books, 2006.
Santrock, John W. (Life-Span Development.) New York: McGraw-Hill, 2009.
Speck, David A. (American Psychology Association Dictionary.) New York: American Psychology Association Publishing, 2007. Print.